I was speaking to a group of leaders in the pastoral, business and lay ministry arenas.  The topic dealt with the importance of leaders being real and authentic people, and how being yourself is the only way to go in leadership.  During the discussion, a man in the audience raised his hand and said, "OK, I get it that being real is better than faking it.  But the last time I was really myself with some people in my church, I almost lost my job!  How real can I be?"

It was a good question and a real one (so to speak).   There is no question that leadership requires that we be honest, open and vulnerable.   People need to follow leaders who admit they are fallen, imperfect and have brokenness.  They need to know that their leader identifies with their own struggles, and they need someone who can model life as it really is.  But at the same time, being vulnerable about the wrong things, or to the wrong people, can be a real danger to your vision, calling and even your profession.  So how real is real?  Here are some thoughts that can help you find the right balance in being authentic, but discerning.

Get your team together first.  God designed you to not only bring your own failings and struggles into relationship with Him, but also with those of His people who love you and are full of grace for you.  This is not even about leadership, it's about life.  You need to be accepted, affirmed and encouraged by those in the Body who are on your side, and want your best.  These people are a conduit for God's support and help for you:  "Strengthen the feeble hands, steady the knees that give way (Isa. 35:3)."  Every leader needs folks who will strengthen and steady them during times of hurt or failure.  The more mature the people you pick, the more real you can be with them.  Look for a few individuals who don't have a condemning  bone in their body, but who at  the same time love you enough to guide, correct and confront you if it's needed.  Ask them to be the place for you to be able to let your hair down and be yourself, good, bad or green.

Getting your team together has another benefit besides the obvious one of having a place to go to be real.  It also helps you to avoid the problem of needing and depending on those you are leading.  That is, sometimes leaders who have no one else to share with will turn to their people as their confidants and support team.  While this might be well-intentioned, it can cause major problems.  The church or organization can become confused as to who is leading whom, whose needs are being met, and what the leaders' motives are.  That is why, with your "reality needs" safely in the hands of your personal support team, you will not feel the pressure to share all of yourself in a context that might cause problems to you and your people.

Teach and model authenticity.  Help your people see that being honest with others about ourselves is good, biblical and healthy.  Show them passages such as Paul's vulnerability to those he led:  "We have spoken freely to you, Corinthians, and opened wide our hearts to you (2 Cor. 6:11)."  Talk about the dangers of perfectionism and Phariseeism:  we follow a Savior who died for sinners, not perfect people.

In fact, a good goal in your leading is to make reality the norm, and pretending the aberration.  Praise the vulnerable people, and don't reinforce those who are putting up a false front.  Make little jokes about your failings; salt and pepper your illustrations with your screw-up as much as with your victories.  Whatever you do, create a culture that imperfection is normal, and grace is the antidote.

If you are looking for a context to experience how a leader can be a leader and still be a real person, you may want to consider the Ultimate Leadership Workshop, an intensive weeklong training experience that Henry and I conduct in southern California several times a year.  Here, with trained facilitators, you will learn the theology, the principles, and the growth experiences that you will need to be an authentic and growing leader. 

Dip your toe in the water.  As you are creating and teaching this sort of environment, it is prudent to take some little steps of vulnerability, to test things out.  Your organization or ministry might be new to the concept of authenticity.  Or there may be some immature people who aren't ready to look at themselves and their issues just yet.  As well, you and your group may not have enough of a close and safe relationship yet to bear some of the negatives about you; there may need to be some more time passing before you open up more.

So take a small risk.  Mention an argument you had (and lost) with your spouse, or a work problem you had.  See if your group freaks out and reacts, or if they come closer, relax and become more real themselves.  Be observant and see what happens:  "Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves (Matt. 10:16)."

Use your group's responses as a cue for your further teaching on authenticity.  If they can't handle it well, help them with their fears and misconceptions.  They need you to lead them in grace!

Timing and pacing.  This is very important.  As a leader, you may have a vision that is light-years ahead of your people.  That's one of the things that leaders do.  At the same time, remember that good leaders understand the reality that growth and change require a sensitivity to timing and pacing.  Keep the balance of moving and challenging your group away from their comfort zone, but not so quickly that they lose heart, or react to you.  Understand how hard change is for them, especially in  the realm of being authentic, and be patient with them, while you are also pushing them:  "There is a time for everything,  and a season for every activity under heaven (Eccles. 3:1)."

So lose the fake self, but don't lose your job!  God is with you, with the acceptance that only a bloodstained cross can bring to us.  Bless you.

Hiding From Love
by Dr. John Townsend
Now Available!

When you experience emotional injury, fear, shame, or pride, your first impulse is to hide the hurting parts of yourself from God, others, and even yourself. Often, you've learned these hiding patterns during childhood to protect yourself in a threatening environment. The problem is that when you hide your injuries and frailties, you isolate yourself from the very things you need in order to heal and mature. What served as protection for a child becomes a prison to an adult.

In Hiding From Love, Dr. John Townsend helps you to explore thoroughly the hiding pattern you've developed and guides you toward the healing grace and truth that God has built into safe, connected relationships with Himself and others.

Here is an excerpt to whet your appetite:

When we deny the existence of our spiritual and emotional needs, we develop coping patterns that help us adapt to the loss of a part of our soul. These patterns protect us from further injury and help us survive, but what emerges are actually harmful hiding patterns.

Some patterns help us avoid the risk of closeness; some assist us in staying away from aloneness. Some patterns hide our imperfections from ourselves and others. Other patterns conceal our need for authority. We will look at specific hiding patterns in all these areas in the next chapter.

For now, it's important to realize that the defenses we develop as children emerge for a good reason. We experience genuine danger in the form of loss of relationship at some level. Otherwise, we would have no need for hiding patterns. (P. 159, Hiding From Love)

 

Newsletter subcribers, order now and pay
only $8 for the book (normally $11)!
or $25 off the Hiding From Love DVD/Video Kit
(Offer expires July 31, 2005.)

To order, please call 800-676-4673