When we think of a "leader," passive is not one of the terms that come to mind. Usually leaders are active, assertive, aggressive (in the good sense of the term), and initiating. They are people of action. If not, they could not have gotten to the level of leadership in which they find themselves.

So, what brings us to the topic of the "aggressive avoider"? It actually sounds like an oxymoron, doesn't it? The aggressive person is not some wimpy, passive, put-your-head-in-the sand type of spineless coward. Or, is he? (Or she?)

The truth is, yes - not in the entire picture, just certain parts of it. In other words, most leaders who are very assertive and get things done, move agendas forward, and meet goals, also have areas of their work that they avoid. Knowing what those areas are about yourself will do several things for your leadership. It will:


1. move things forward that have been waiting for you to lead

2. make people who depend on you less frustrated, which is probably hampering them from following you in other areas that you care about, and,

3. give you insight into yourself and help you to solve conflicts that will help you not only in leadership, but in other areas of your life as well.

So, let's take a look.

I remember a leader I worked with several years ago who was a true star. He had advanced in his organization very quickly in his twenties, and in his thirties had been given more and more responsibility and achieved so well that by his early forties he was named CEO. I bring him up as an example because he illustrates the point that you can be very good and still have areas that you avoid.

We did an audit of his performance in a number of areas of responsibility, and found something very interesting. There were a handful of significant initiatives that had problems, were stalled, or had not done well which could be directly traced to his inactivity on them. Now, remember, this was a handful in a very full plate. A huge percentage of things that he worked on were going very well and he would deal with them very assertively, even difficult ones where there was conflict, or failure. He was not afraid of hard things at all. So, what was it?

As we looked deeper, there was a common thread to the things that he would put off. Each one of them required that he create something out of nothing, as opposed to work on something that someone else had created or was already in place. It would have been easy to understand if we could have just written it off to his not being the "creative type", but that was not true. He was very creative, and in fact, his success had come from his creativity. The answer was that in these projects, there was no clear standard of what would be "good enough" or what was required. It was basically up to him. And, what that did to him was causing the stall.

It worked like this: He would get an idea of what he wanted to do, and then he would think about it. Great concepts would come into his mind. But often, he would not have open-ended time available to do it, and would only have a limited amount of time to spend on it. When he would realize that, the killer thought would come into his mind: "I could do such a better job on this if I had more time. I will wait until I have a bigger window and am not so distracted. This could be so awesome, but I do not want to do less than I could do if I had the time to really get into it." Then, he would put it off.

Of course, the time would never come that would be sufficient to create the perfect, ideal version of what he had envisioned. So, the jobs did not get done. They were waiting in "perfection limbo". His perfectionism and thinking that "I could do better than I have the time to do" created a situation where the perfect was the enemy of the good. If he could not do it as well as he was truly able to, he was not going to do it at all. So, he would avoid the "less than perfect", but needed, finished product. The reality was that the imperfect one would have been more than good enough for reality, just not good enough for his perfectionist fantasy. When we found out the dynamic that was causing him to avoid, we solved it as he gave himself permission to do things that were not good enough for him, but good enough for the real purposes needed. The funny thing was that in reality, once he got into doing them, they were off the charts good anyway. His ideal was just a fantasy, but it was strong enough to keep him stuck in his internal judgment of work that he had not even done.

So, that is how an aggressive person can also be avoidant. What about you? What are the things that are waiting for you to take action but something is holding you back? Here are some common examples of themes that cause leaders to avoid taking action. Situations where:

· there may be a conflict
· there may be evaluation
· there may be risk for failure
· you have to talk to someone you hate to deal with
· you have to talk to or work with someone who is high-maintenance
· there is not enough structure
· there is too much rigidity and you rebel
· your strengths are not used
· your passions are not involved
· there is not immediate gratification or need
· things are vital but not urgent

These are just a few. The point is that, just because we have a particular dynamic that is stalling us, it doesn't mean that we don't really need to get moving. The leader I mentioned above really needed to deal with those situations, several of which were costly. So, reality will not wait upon us just because we have "issues". Your success may depend on you finding out where you are avoidant, seeing what it is costing you, and doing something about it. You have the talent, you just have to remove the roadblock in your head, or develop a few skills to deal with the person or the issue, and get moving. So, go do the hard thing! That is why they call you a "leader".

Happy Leading,

Henry

Everyone should be quick to listen, slow to speak and slow to become angry, for man's anger does not bring the righteous life that God desires.

(James 1:19-20, NIV)

A one-week
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and Dr. John Townsend

Upcoming Ultimate Leadership workshop
in San Juan Capistrano, California

July 15 - 20, 2007

What one leader had to say about the Ultimate Leadership workshop experience...

The Ultimate Leadership in Feb 2007 was a week of what was to become a life changing experience that has transformed into my daily life. I continue to read and re-read the teachings. Four of us ladies who know each other all went to the UL and now we have started two groups in Calgary with others to be a safe and confidential place for each of us to share about the real things in our lives and to discuss how we are really doing. We are deeply interested in the growth of each other. Once you have had a taste of the real life you only want more. Go and take the risk of being vunerable. You will not be disappointed.

Marilyn Fehr
Calgary, Alberta, Canada

 

 

 

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Take a moment to click on the link-we think you'll agree that this is a site with a lot to offer. It provides hundreds of video answers to questions on topics that are important to you: love, singleness, marriage, parenting, career, leadership, emotional struggles, and more. You can submit questions, participate in a Blog, build community online, and access endless free resources to help you navigate life. This new site is not a replacement for our Cloud-Townsend Resources Web site; it is a new resource we have added. Let us know what you think of it!

DR. HENRY CLOUD AND DR. JOHN TOWNSEND PRESENT THE ULTIMATE LEADERSHIP SIMULCAST SERIES-VIA SATELLITE!

In their ongoing work with hundreds of leaders, psychologists Drs. Henry Cloud and John Townsend have identified issues and challenges relevant to leaders everywhere. A few years ago, they created Ultimate Leadership, a one-week intensive workshop designed to address these leadership issues. Workshops are held throughout the year in Southern California.

Now, in conjunction with CCN (Church Communication Network), Drs. Cloud and Townsend present a monthly simulcast series that continues and complements the leadership training offered in the Ultimate Leadership workshop. Each one-hour simulcast provides key leadership insights and practices, all solidly based on biblical principles of leadership and character development. Each is designed to help fulfill the desire all leaders share: to become better leaders!

The Mom Factor

by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend

 

Here's an excerpt:

Not only does the quality of your relationship with your mother dictate how things go between the two of you, it also drastically impacts all areas of your life. Not only do we learn our patterns of intimacy, relating, and separateness from our mother, but we also learn about how to handle failure, troublesome emotions, expectations and ideals, grief and loss, and many of the other components that make up our "emotional IQ" - that part of us that guarantess whether or not we will be successful at love and work. In short, the following two realities largely determine our emotional development:
1. How we were mothered.
2. How we responded to that mothering.

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