“Hm… interesting,” I thought, surveying my notes. The only conclusion I could draw from all my interviewing was this: the people who reported directly to Lee were sharply divided down the middle. Some thought things were going well under his leadership; others were wounded and almost ready to leave. “What’s behind the discrepancy?” I wondered. I decided to delve further, so with negative feedback from the wounded in hand, I went back to the ones who were doing fine and asked, “Do you think Lee is domineering and into control? ”

“No, not at all,” said Mary. “But he is strong, and what you have to do is stand up to him and tell him he needs to drop it, whatever it is he’s pushing. When you do that, he listens. You just have to push back.” Her response, I soon learned, reflected the sentiments of all those who were doing fine.

Then I went and interviewed Lee, their leader. That was interesting! He talked as if all his relationships were going really well. He gave me glowing reports, like “We have the greatest time together,” or “We are an excellent team,” or “I have great relationships with all my people.” He in no way presented the reality I was getting from the other side, which was that half his relationships were going well and the other half were not. That is a big gap in perceptions, and I thought Lee needed to know about it. So I told him.

His response was one I had heard before. “That can’t be,” he said. “I ask all my people to tell me, always, if anything is wrong between us! I tell them, ‘Come and let me know if there is anything we need to clear up.’ It’s an open door policy. I can’t believe that some of them feel that way.”

When I went back to the group that did feel that way, however, they said, “You can’t talk to him. When you try, you get shut down, so you might just as well give up.” It was amazing how big the gap was between their two experiences. How could that be?

The answer is all too common. Strong leaders with good hearts are notorious for creating the perception in others that they are not approachable or do not listen. They are also notorious for creating hurt feelings in others because they come across as hard to please, or too critical, or harsh. Yet that is the last thing these leaders intend. The problem is that a dynamic gets set up between strong leaders and their not-so- assertive subordinates, and this dynamic can be very destructive. All leaders would do well to understand it.

If you are a strong leader, you need to be aware that there are people you lead who respond to you out of woundedness—their own needs for approval, their “critical parent” issues, and their fears of standing up to authority figures. And even if you’ve made it clear you want them to tell you if you’ve hurt them, they may not be telling you. This may not be because you are unapproachable, or defensive, or difficult to confront. It may be totally because they are passive and afraid, and will not tell you; instead, they go away hurt, feeling as if you are the most domineering, controlling, and demeaning person ever. And you have no clue.

But here is reality: that is your problem. While you may not be responsible for the perception in those people that they cannot talk to you, it is your problem to solve. If you don’t, it could come back to bite you. Hurt people talk, create division, gain support from sympathetic ears, and do a great deal of damage. Unless you understand that and do something to prevent it, such people will create division underneath you, even without ill motives on their part. They just see themselves as victims of your “leadership style.”

So, what do you do? Remember something. You are the leader. So, all of the issues below you are your problem, even if you did not cause them. If people have a wrong perception, and that perception comes from their own fears of talking to you and resolving conflict with you, even that perception must be treated as your problem. Go and solve it. Make it easier for them. Seek them out. Overcome their own limitations by going overboard to make sure that they feel heard.

How can you do this? Provide a clear message to your people, as a team, that you know it is sometimes hard for them to give you the “last 10 percent,” which means the part that is hard for them to say. Validate that, and then tell them that you want to be the best leader to them that you can be, so you really need their feedback as to how you are doing with them. Tell them you know it is hard, but you promise that you will not “shoot the messenger”—you really do want to know.

Then, when they tell you, listen. Do not react. Show them that it is truly a safe place to talk to you. Even if you think they are nuts, just listen and tell them you are sorry they feel that way and you will try to do better. This is not the time to give them feedback on how they need to “get it”; there will be other times for that. Rather, use these interactions to build trust and show them you are approachable. If you do this, you are opening up lines of communication that you desperately need.

More than that, you are defusing the bitterness these people may be developing against you, and cutting a future mutiny off at the pass. You are also modeling for them how to relate well with the people who report to them. And you are learning a lot from them and about them. If it turns out there is something wrong that you need to fix, you will need all this information. Listening is everything.

Besides all of that, you might learn something about yourself in the process. We all need feedback. Even if we are not “wrong,” we might be creating perceptions and experiences in others that are not the ones we desire. If this is the case, we need to know that. Seek these things out by making yourself available and approachable. Go to your people and help them over the hump of their own resistance when they find it hard to tell you the truth. If you do, you will win all around. They will feel listened to, you will have information, and you will avert a disconnect that could otherwise come back to hurt you in the end.

God bless,

Henry Cloud, PhD